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Ceridwen

Ceridwen

You kids get off my lawn. 

Devil of the Highlands - Lynsay Sands message 1: by Elizabeth
1 hour, 56 min ago

Drunken book reviewers unite.


message 2: by Ninja Sock Puppet
1 hour, 54 min ago

Fuck.


message 3: by Ceridwen
1 hour, 43 min ago

Okay, bitches, here's the problem with the multiple person drunk book review:

1. NSP sucks and won;'t turn off the weird 80s music
2. I've forgotten my point before I even started it.


Okay: here's my opening salvo: I thought the opening of this book was the fucking best opening of a book ever, and I just read Sunshine, which has the best opening of a book ever, so that is saying something. That was some comedy gold, better even than the Vampire Baseball sequence in Twilight. What'sherface is told by her super eeeevvvviiiill step-mother that she's to marry the DEvil of Dogharthaghthughugh - seriously, Scottish, you are a gross language - and then goes out, falls into a river, and doffd her clothes, and gets her boob accidentally licked.

THAT HAPPENS TO ME ALL THE TIME.

Readers, I lol'ed.



message 4: by Elizabeth
1 hour, 40 min ago

Hey! Scottish is an awesome language. It's too bad that Sands knows nothing about it. What the hell is the ye all kinna stoopid dialect shit?



message 5: by Ceridwen (last edited 1 hour, 39 min ago)
1 hour, 39 min ago

"Sorry," Cullen muttered as he realized he was groping a woman's breasts.



Quote by NSP: This is the heart of the book.

Quote by me: It's at very least the tits of this book.

Quote by NSP: Well, the tits do cover the heart.


message 6: by Elizabeth
1 hour, 38 min ago

Groans came not from pleasure while reading this book (although I remain unconvinced that Evaline (?) doesn't have some sort of unfortunate ulcer in her throat causing involuntary moaning throughout the story.



message 7: by Elizabeth
1 hour, 36 min ago

Ceridwen wrote: ""Sorry," Cullen muttered as he realized he was groping a woman's breasts."

Is anyone allowed to name a character Cullen after Twilight came out? Isn't the name off limits now except for Mormon sparkly vampire fanatics?



message 8: by Ceridwen
1 hour, 35 min ago

Okay, here's another thing, which we talked about before, and now I have to drunkenly recreate - split infinitives 4evah! - so, this book is purported to take place in the end of the 13th C., and it's totally not. The author has clearly read a book about how castles were kept or whatever, but, um, several things in the plot hinge on women being literate and writing back and forth to one another like Jane Austen which is the funniest thing I've ever read.


message 9: by Ninja Sock Puppet,
1 hour, 31 min ago

This is bullshit. Since when does a nipple accidentally slip into a dude's mouth? Come the hell on. If it did, do you really think he wouldn't know what was going on? And accidentally suck on it because, well, hey, there's this chick there with a nipple that happens to be in your mouth.

I have to admit that I didn't really read the whole book. I read enough* to know that this whole thing is just and excuse to talk about hard nipples. Really? Highlander and betrothed, and all you have to say is nipples?

If it were me, I'd want to know about the underlying politics. Because a story like this is always about politics. And I'm being called an asshole and a jerk right now by other drunk people for some reason. Probably because I'm writing a review of this keeper instead of whatever politics these people want me to participate in.

Because politics is participation. Like reading. You're participating in the words the author is handing you. So I stopped participating when Obama lied to me about hope and change. I stopped reading when Lindsay pretty much told me that there was no choice in the matter, this dude was accidentally going to suck her nips through no fault of either of them. So what's the fucking point? There isn't one. There is no hope, no change, and no fucking point.


*part of the first chapter


message 10: by Ninja Sock Puppet
1 hour, 30 min ago

I need more gin and tonics, bitches. Bring it.



message 11: by Ceridwen
1 hour, 29 min ago

*part of the first chapter

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.


message 12: by Ninja Sock Puppet,
1 hour, 29 min ago

Ceridwen wrote: "*part of the first chapter

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL."


You sound like the cat when she's planning to barf.



message 13: by Elizabeth
1 hour, 20 min ago

The problem with this book was there wasn't enough funny sex. They have one encounter in the glen and then one massage and then the "bud of her excitement" seems to spontaneously explode because the scooby-doness of the mystery takes over.



message 14: by Elizabeth
1 hour, 18 min ago

Seriously, the best part of this book was the accidental nipple suck at the beginning.


And I am not a big fan of the sad, sad sex scenes in these novels.



message 15: by Ninja Sock Puppet,
1 hour, 14 min ago

I like sex scenes. The great thing about them is tha they are usually the parts of the book that it opens to naturally, because when you're rubbing one out you tend to open the book a little wider. So you go looking for the parts of a library book that open easily, like Evelinde's womanhood. This book? The parts that open easily are totally random. Like Cullen's manhood.



message 16: by Ceridwen (last edited 1 hour, 10 min ago)
1 hour, 13 min ago

SCOOBY DOO.

That is the problem with this book. (Well, what I'm about to say, and the dialouge.) But it starts with spectacularly funny sequence, which could only occur in romanceland, and then moves onto the roofie wedding sequence, which was nominally funny, and then.....


SCOOBY DOO!!!!

Now, I love Scooby Doo, for serious, but the whole murrrderrr mystery part, where what'sherface survives several attempts on her life because she is too stupid to die, and then has the most painful, on the nose conversations with everyone in Scotland about the paaaaaast....

Hold up. This is an insular, tiny community, why the fuck are these people not gossiping like fucking crazy for the last 20 years about the dead laird and fucking whatever? This is unreasonable to me that everyone hadn't spilled all of their dirt a million years ago.



message 17: by Elizabeth
1 hour, 9 min ago

So, were I to write a review of this one, properly, I'd have to start with how stupid the heroine is. I understand that you're supposed to be able to relate to her. She's supposed to be a quiet, mousy, book reader (even in the thirteenth century) who hasn't been exposed to the world yet (except when she strips off her clothing and rides on her horse waving her dress behind her as the best option for drying it out). She's supposed to be smart, because readers are smart, but not *too* smart. Why not? Because the author can't write character smarter than herself? Because "smart" is a relative term? Do I sound elitist? I don't mean to. I just don't have perspective I guess. Am I being elitist? I can't help it. The woman is super dumb.


message 18: by Elizabeth
1 hour, 7 min ago

Yes, she's not the only stupid one. This is like the clue that only Perot could find even though it was staring everyone else in the face the whole time.



message 19: by Ninja Sock Puppet
1 hour, 5 min ago

I prefer the new Scooby Doo theme song. That is all.



message 20: by Ceridwen
1 hour, 4 min ago

I'm having some trouble not posting in all caps all the time.

So, yes, she is not the only stupid one, but every single time the Devil of Donahghghhshshhfhhghgh said to her, "Are ye daft, wife?" I was like, yes, she be daft, yarr.



message 21: by Ninja Sock Puppet
1 hour, 4 min ago

Can an author write a character smarter than themselves? There's something about the Peter Principle in there that I can't unpack.



message 22: by Ninja Sock Puppet
1 hour, 2 min ago

Ceridwen wrote: "I "Are ye daft, wife?" I was like, yes, she be daft, yarr. "

So Scots are pirates, then? I'm totally going to use this line now. A lot.



message 23: by Elizabeth
1 hour, 1 min ago

Ninja Sock Puppet wrote: "Can an author write a character smarter than themselves? There's something about the Peter Principle in there that I can't unpack."

Didn't we talk about this once? I think we came up with Doctor Who and Sherlock Holmes.



message 24: by Ninja Sock Puppet
1 hour, 1 min ago

Are ye daft, wife?



message 25: by Ninja Sock Puppet
1 hour, 1 min ago

Well, are ye?



message 26: by Elizabeth
1 hour, 0 min ago

Also, the book is disappointing because no one actually says, "Yar." This book could use a few pirates too.

It really got boring after they got married. What does this say about thirteenth century marriage? Do you think they should have seen a counselor to keep the spark alive?



message 27: by Ceridwen
1 hour, 0 min ago

Okay, the other thing that disappoints me about this book is that the back-jacket copy is so insanely red-state in its sensibilities.

Observe:

They may call him whatever they wish, but Cullen, Laird of Donnaghshshfghisdihgishdfubsikia, cares only for the future of his clan. He must find a wife, a woman to bear him sons and heed his commands.




This is not in the book, and it is a crying fucking shame for the ages. What is with all this big softie garbage?



message 28: by Ceridwen
57 minutes ago

WE ARE UNDER SIEGE FROM HORRIBLY LARGE INSECTS.


Send help.



message 29: by Elizabeth
56 minutes ago

What is with all this big softie garbage?

I thought he wasn't a softie. Wasn't that part of his appeal for idiot girl?


message 30: by Ninja Sock Puppet
55 minutes ago

Yarr. So if romance pirates are code for rape, what are romance Scots? Code for accidental nipple sucking?



message 31: by Ceridwen (last edited 54 minutes ago)
55 minutes ago

Ninja Sock Puppet wrote: "Can an author write a character smarter than themselves? There's something about the Peter Principle in there that I can't unpack."

Srsly. I get that this was supposed to be comedy, but what'sherface kept being referred to as "clever" and I was, like, LOLwhat? There is no way that anything she has done looks like intelligence.



message 32: by Ninja Sock Puppet
54 minutes ago

Oops. I'm sorry, I accidentally sucked your nipple. Like spraying the hollyhocks with lye, I don't know what came over me.



message 33: by Elizabeth
52 minutes ago

Ninja Sock Puppet wrote: "Yarr. So if romance pirates are code for rape, what are romance Scots? Code for accidental nipple sucking?"

Scots are code for the man's man. They are big, they are hairy, they wear no underwear, and they cannot complete a grammatically correct sentence.



message 34: by Ceridwen (last edited 51 minutes ago)
51 minutes ago

Ninja Sock Puppet wrote: "Oops. I'm sorry, I accidentally sucked your nipple. Like spraying the hollyhocks with lye, I don't know what came over me."

Good one.




message 35: by Ceridwen
49 minutes ago

Elizabeth wrote: "Ninja Sock Puppet wrote: "Yarr. So if romance pirates are code for rape, what are romance Scots? Code for accidental nipple sucking?"

Scots are code for the man's man. They are big, they are hai..."


I dunna ken what ye be saying, woman. We speak the king's Scottish.


message 36: by Elizabeth
49 minutes ago

You know, this is an excellent example of someone saying one thing but doing another. He says that the firm March wind was juicy and cold but he breaks her leg instead. He doesn't really love her. Just like the moral in Devil of the Highlands. Wow. The book is sooo much deeper and more intelligent than I had given it credit for before.



message 37: by Ninja Sock Puppet
48 minutes ago

Elizabeth wrote: "Scots are code for the man's man. They are big, they are hairy, they wear no underwear, and they cannot complete a grammatically correct sentence. "

Oh yeah. That's me. I cannot complete a grammatically something fucker yeah. Fuck. Fuck is a grammatically complete fuck.

*

message 38: by Elizabeth
47 minutes ago

Ceridwen wrote: "WE ARE UNDER SIEGE FROM HORRIBLY LARGE INSECTS.


Send help."


Did you read Starship Troopers? I read Devil of the Highlands.


message 39: by Ceridwen
41 minutes ago

Can we talk about how this book is all about how sistas can do it for themselves or something, about how what'sherface brings feminism to the Highlands in the 13th C, but it's such an embarrassing feminism. So, what'sherface finds love with the Devil of Daonidjhtushidubfkaugsiaubf, but it's a marriage of convenience, and people who are forced into other marriages, they are just fucked. I get that there is a moral here, about how even if it looks like He's Not That Into You, he totally is, and you should let his assholistic actions speak for themselves, then....um, I'm losing hull integrity here.

So seriously, this story inverts the normal modern relationship movement - where it's sex ---> love ---> marriage ---> disillusionment.

Instead we have disillusionment ---> marriage ---> sex ---> love.

Somebody comment on this.



message 40: by Ninja Sock Puppet
40 minutes ago

I think it's sex ---> fuck ---> fuck ---> fuck ---> profit.



message 41: by Ninja Sock Puppet
38 minutes ago

So accidental nipple sucking is disillusionment?

I see the inversion as an arranged marriage thing. You get married, have sex, then eventually learn to love one another.

Wait, you think the normal modern relationship movement goes from marriage to disillusionment? What are you saying?

Seriously, we're married. What do you mean by that?



message 42: by Elizabeth
37 minutes ago

Yes, bringing feminism to the highlands through pastry. Why don't they talk about the fact that THEY HAD NO SUGAR IN THE HIGHLANDS...unless the laird was much richer than appearances suggest. He does have a bull though, a very large and angry bull. Why don't we pay more attention to the very important bull in this story? Such an under developed character and so poorly influenced by the real first wave feminism. Men - because they are bigger and stronger - should definitely be asked to work in the kitchen more. Is this where the second wave went wrong?



message 43: by Ninja Sock Puppet
37 minutes ago

Are you disillusioned?



message 44: by Elizabeth
37 minutes ago

Ninja Sock Puppet wrote: "So accidental nipple sucking is disillusionment?

I see the inversion as an arranged marriage thing. You get married, have sex, then eventually learn to love one another.

Wait, you think the ..."


GET A ROOM GUYS!



message 45: by Ninja Sock Puppet
34 minutes ago

Elizabeth wrote: "GET A ROOM GUYS! "

We have a room. Don't be upset just because you happen to be in it.



message 46: by Elizabeth
33 minutes ago

Ninja Sock Puppet wrote: "Elizabeth wrote: "GET A ROOM GUYS! "

We have a room. Don't be upset just because you happen to be in it."


I should leave you alone then.



message 47: by Ceridwen
32 minutes ago

Okay, non-tobacco addicted motherfuckers. I'm going outside. And then I'm going to drop some knowledge.



message 48: by Elizabeth
31 minutes ago

Bring it. The knowledge doesn't scare me. Nope. Not at all.



message 49: by Ceridwen
25 minutes ago

Back to He's Just Not That Into You. Farbeit from me to quote Sex & The City, but I think that HJNTIY stuff is fairly astute. It's not limited to girls - I remember having this conversation with a guy friend about a lady he was trying to woo, and he gave me 5 reasons for why she hadn't called back, all of which involved her being trapped under furniture or something, and three where it was because she was avoiding him like the plague, but severally, and he says to me, five is more than three, right? So she's into me, but under a fridge. I think my response was something along the lines of UHHHHHHH, WHAT? Love is digital, on or off. If he has brought your clothes for you, from England, but stuffed them in a bag, and shoved them under a bed, and you end up wearing his dead wife's clothes because he didn't tell you this, He's Just Not That Into You.



message 50: by Elizabeth
22 minutes ago

Is it HJNTIY or is he just a stupid as his daft wife (part one and part two)? These characters are just puppets for the POINT Sands is trying to make. Too many morals. Too much changing the way things have always been. Too much learning about each other. And soo boring...