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You kids get off my lawn. 

The Land of Painted Caves - Jean M. Auel Cross-posted at Readerling

Good lord. This was paiiiiinful. So painful that I couldn't get through more than 200 pages, and only that while skimming pretty heavily. Oh, Ayla, I am disappoint.

You don't get to book 6 of a long, decreasingly satisfactory book series without being a partisan, and I was devoted to the cause. I have enough self-awareness in my dotage to know I should never revisit [b:The Clan of the Cave Bear|1295|The Clan of the Cave Bear (Earth's Children, #1)|Jean M. Auel|http://d.gr-assets.com/books/1324059993s/1295.jpg|1584694] lest I crush a happy adolescent experience with my weary cynicism, but I also know that book was freaking badass. Setting aside for the moment that many of the attributes of the Neanderthals have been since proven inaccurate - it's more than likely they could speak, for example - the story of a human girl taken in by a band of another hominid species is absolutely compelling.

Because that's the thing: the fact that humans overlapped with another hominid species for thousands of years is somewhere close to the coolest fucking thing ever. Forget the hundreds of species created by science fiction; we shared the globe with at least one - and possibly more - species that the Prime Directive would call sentient. Tool-making, at least nominal burial of the dead, clothing and other ornamentation: Neanderthals, you has it. Seriously, you guys, COOLEST THING EVER. (Followed, in a close second, by the fact of dinosaurs. Think about it: dinosaurs were real.)

Neanderthals have always been used in fiction as a foil to our humanity - you know, like aliens have - and a lot of those depictions have tinged with the false Darwinian concept of "progress". Auel sidesteps much of this by making her Neanderthals complex, intelligent people with distinct personalities, and she grounds the tale in some hard core paleolithic research. Creb, for example, was based on an actual skeleton of a Neanderthal man, who was born with various physical deformities and lived to the unthinkably old age of 40. The physical evidence of his long existence suggests a society willing and able to care for him. I can absolutely do without her Lysenkoism - the very concept of heritable racial memories is difficult to use without being racist (literally) - but godamn did she make the myriad uses for the cattail or the migratory patterns of the ptarmigan or flint freaking knapping page-turningly awesome. A family friend got a higher degree in archaeology pretty much because of this book, a field where she works to this day.

And at the beginning of the series, Ayla is a a pretty wonderful protagonist. A smart girl, and competent, but living within a system that doesn't credit her gifts or respect her. I loved how brutal she was, but also kind and caring, and I loooooved her Clan family - her adopted mother, Iza, the scarred mog-ur Creb. I was recently talking about some assigned reading book, something important, that I know I read in high school, and how I can't remember a single thing about it. (Maybe [b:A Separate Peace|5148|A Separate Peace|John Knowles|http://d.gr-assets.com/books/1348084274s/5148.jpg|39755]?) I could probably tell you all of the major and some of the minor plot points in the first two Ayla books, despite the fact that I only read them once. Maybe if touching war dramas had more awkwardly phrased sex scenes and mammoths, I'd remember them better. Pro-tip, writers.

I admit I'm nattering at this point, because I kind of don't even want to talk about how bad this book is. Things have been declining steadily since [b:The Mammoth Hunters|49824|The Mammoth Hunters (Earth's Children, #3)|Jean M. Auel|http://d.gr-assets.com/books/1320558304s/49824.jpg|927520] (and if I'm going to be honest, since [b:The Valley of Horses|40493|The Valley of Horses (Earth's Children, #2)|Jean M. Auel|http://d.gr-assets.com/books/1324059760s/40493.jpg|630903], because Jondalar is, and always has been, the worst ever.) [b:The Mammoth Hunters|49824|The Mammoth Hunters (Earth's Children, #3)|Jean M. Auel|http://d.gr-assets.com/books/1320558304s/49824.jpg|927520] has a stupid jealousy plot. [b:The Plains of Passage|74389|The Plains of Passage (Earth's Children, #4)|Jean M. Auel|http://d.gr-assets.com/books/1324059606s/74389.jpg|1377315] has a thinly veiled dig on the more extreme feminist archaeology of the late-80s - you know, like the [a:Starhawk|6376|Starhawk|http://d.gr-assets.com/authors/1298490236p2/6376.jpg] feminist utopia stuff - which in some ways deserves the dig, but feels rich from someone who is using racist Soviet genetic theory as the basis for her Neanderthals. [b:The Shelters of Stone|46544|The Shelters of Stone (Earth's Children, #5)|Jean M. Auel|http://d.gr-assets.com/books/1320558308s/46544.jpg|2982200] manages to invoke some seriously painful class superiority bullshit, but at least it had a plot.

Ayla has certainly been leveling up through these novels, but in [b:The Land of Painted Caves|8318666|The Land of Painted Caves (Earth's Children, #6)|Jean M. Auel|http://d.gr-assets.com/books/1320479438s/8318666.jpg|13167950], now her domination of the paleolithic world is complete! Heretofore, she's invented the bra, the needle, the atlatl, and domesticated both horses and wolves. But as hokey as all that was, she was still a person. From the second freaking page:

Ayla, too, had extraordinarily sharp vision. She could also pick up sounds above the range of normal hearing and feel the deep tones of those that were below. Her sense of smell and taste were also keen, but she had never compared herself with anyone, and didn't realize how extraordinary her perceptions were. She was born with heightened acuity in all her senses..."

This isn't the Ayla I knew, who was smart and cunning, but totally had to work on her skills like the rest of us humans, whose talents were the product of work and determination, not some magical superhuman powers. It keeps being noted that she cannot sing, but this isn't a character flaw in exactly the same way that Bella Swann being clumsy is not a character flaw. It's dumb and lazy characterization. I don't really mind Paleo Sue in the other books though, because all of Ayla's inventions were neat little thought experiments about how those items came to be, what kind of conditions and experiences would have created innovation. That's badass, and more importantly, it makes the dry archaeology personal and engaging.

This book, however, is about Ayla visiting ALL THE CAVES, and, get this: she doesn't even paint them herself. They were painted generations before, and I threw down this book when Ayla and the Zelandoni medicine woman wonder why they were painted and then shrug and have some dinner and the baby passes water. Seriously, this is about as interesting as listening to someone narrate their visit to a museum, a narration with an unhealthy focus on where the dog is and who's going to check on the car, in case it got eaten by lions. Seriously, Ayla, go large or go home. They should have been painted as part of the narrative - you know, like how Ayla is the Venus of Willendorf - and there should be something more than speculation about what they mean. Ground the story in the physical, and then make the leap. You've done it before, Ayla, do it again.

I've been skipping the sex scenes in Ayla books since I became sexually active - they're pretty much cut-and-paste - but I have been all in on anything having to do with harvesting plants and whatnot. Auel had me with her paleontology porn. There are flashes of that here - like a scene where Ayla skins and guts a wolverine, which was pretty cool - but so much of the archaeology stuff is badly stitched in. I can't bring myself to care about the hundred scenes where Ayla smells some tea (instinctively, whatever that's supposed to mean) and then identifies its herbal contents.

Ayla and Jondalar meet up with several thousand people who appear, we are reminded of their back story from another book, and then they wander off. Ayla hands Jondalar the baby several hundred times. The baby, being perfect, somehow manages to be potty trained at several months. (And speaking of Bella Swann, the baby is named Jonayla, which is also the worst name ever.) They visit several caves, describe them in excruciating detail, and then move on. People are worried about Wolf, but then it turns out he's awesome so they stop worrying. Ayle has a strange accent. Something vaguely approaching an event happens, and then someone wanders in, having missed it, and they recount the entire fucking scene you just read arg omg you would think Auel had never written a fucking novel, let along one that hugely captured my adolescent imagination.

Jiminy Christmas, I can't go on with this. I'm bummed, because I've hugely spoiled myself on all the plot points and kind of want to see the infidelity plot that shows up in the latter quarter, and the comeuppance that happens with all of Ayla's yelling about how sex creates babies not magical spirits or whatever. I want to see it play out because Auel's ideas appear to be simultaneously a feminist caricature and anti-feminist, which is a neat trick, if she can pull it off. The concept that men would, en masse, become patriarchal assholes when they learn they have something to do with procreation - and it is deeply stupid that any hunter-gatherer society would not know this anyhow - is so, so offensive, suggesting it's logical for men to be brutish assholes. Ayla destroys an egalitarian society through observational science. Think about it. Yuck.

Also, she managed to make cattails boring again. Sigh.