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You kids get off my lawn. 

Zombie Cross-Stitch

Zombie Cross-Stitch - Kristy Kizzee, Erika Kern Universe, have you been breaking into my house again and watching me sleep? Because that's creepy, and I was serious about that restraining order.

It doesn't happen that often in a girl's life, but sometimes you're just going along, minding your own business, and then something happens that makes you wonder if you're not the protagonist of some grand experiment, and the scientists in charge of putting you through the habitrail just tipped their hats a little too obviously. Happened to me yesterday when my eyes found this book-kit-thing at the bookstore. Holy jumping grant money! A BOOK ABOUT ZOMBIES AND CROSS STITCH?!!1? Are you there, experimental overlord? It's me, Ceridwen. And thanks, man.

As is my wont with this sort of thing, I ended up being a little let down by the execution. (Sorry.) The book is seriously small - not in page count, but in size - and the charts are hard to read. Usually, little symbols are used for the different colors on a pattern, because three kinds of red together can be hard to differentiate. I think using the colors on the chart, like this does, is pretty impossible. I recommend photocopying and enlarging, because otherwise you'll go blind. Remember, the universe is watching.

Most of the patterns are little pictures with text, and the text is invariably stupid. Like a zombie hand holding a martini glass with the words "I (heart) stiff drinks". Or the cool brain - complete with brain stem - with the caption, "Got brains?" Duh. All are forbidden from making "Got Milk?" references. I forbid you. This isn't really a problem, because using the license given in Subversive Cross Stitch, you can come up with wittier captions. There are two patterns that are total pad too, like the chart that simply reads "Zombies Unwelcome". Wtf? Are you even trying anymore?

Also, this is just a bit of cross stitch wonkery, but there's a knots/no knots debate in the exciting world of cross stitchery, and this book falls down on the knots side of the debate. Wrong. No knots! They are for babies. My son and I have been doing a pattern together - not a zombie one - and I'm letting him use knots because he is seven. But once he starts shaving he must man up and stop all that knot business. Actually, once he starts shaving, cross stitch will probably like some kind of kryptonite for him, so the point is probably moot.

Photos of zombie crafts forthcoming.